Neurodivergent Folks Can Make For Better Lovers, Here’s How

By Selina Nguyen

Let’s start from the top with a definition of neurodivergence.

Neurodivergence refers to the experience of having a brain that forms or works differently to what is assumed as “normal functioning” by the mass cultural landscape, and is seen in relation to “neurotypical” fitting these assumptions.

Neurodivergent is an umbrella term that covers a whole plethora of acronyms and disabilities, including ADHD, autism, PTSD, intellectual disabilities, learning disorders, and sensory processing disorders, just to name a few.

In having a brain that works differently, this can naturally influence the ways neurodivergent folks experience sex and sexuality, which can give us a unique set of challenges, especially when paired with a neurotypical partner. It can also, however, give us a unique set of strengths when it comes to the bedroom. It starts with learning our individual needs and wants.

It is impossible to write a blog post that covers the entirety of the neurodivergent experience, because the best and most defining quality of neurodivergence is in its diversity.

It’s a spectrum, and I will repeat this endlessly throughout this post. If you’re curious to learn more about how your neurodivergence might impact your relationships and sex, book a session with us and we can explore this alongside you.

What Your Sex Therapist Wants You To Know 

Being neurodivergent does not mean you are bad at sex.

Being neurodivergent does not mean that you can’t have fulfilling sex.

Having different needs does not mean you are too much.

The secret to great s-x is in celebrating your diverse needs and wants.

‘Normal’ is a myth. There is no such thing as normal.

These are some important reminders before we start because too often neurodivergent folks are taught that they must follow a neurotypical script that might not fit them, and that any deviation away from this is an individual flaw, rather than symptoms of failing systems. This can negatively impact the way we feel about ourselves, as well as experiences of sex and sexuality.

We may feel embarrassed about not being able to get in the mood, to focus, to orgasm. We might struggle to ask for different lighting, or for time to mentally task-switch. Layer this with sex mis-education, ableism, stigma and lifetimes of feeling like a social alien, it can make sex rife with shame, avoidance, embarrassment and trauma. It can become another realm in which we perform and mask. None of this creates a supportive and soft place for us to explore ourselves, our partners, and our sexuality.

How Sex Can Be Different

The most common examples of how sex can be experienced differently for neurodivergent folks is when it comes to sensory stimulus, attention and communication. 

The experience of one or more of these differences can be significant factors in one’s relationship with sexual desire, sexual touch, and intimacy.

When it comes to the senses and sensory stimuli, this can look like being over-stimulated or under-stimulated.

When folks are over-stimulated with particular senses, they might feel irritable, disgusted or overwhelmed to the point of a meltdown. There might be an intolerance to particular smells, tastes, textures or sounds, or simply too many things happening at once. On the other side of this when folks are under-stimulated, and especially for ADHDers, they might feel bored, distracted, or unable to maintain sexual arousal or reach orgasm.

Sex is one of the most sensory experiences you can have in your human body. For neurodivergent folks then, it’s about finding the sweet spot somewhere in the middle.

If we visualise a spectrum, this means we have to learn how to recognise when we are approaching either over- or under-stimulation and get real good at swinging back towards the middle.

Notice how your sensory needs change as you become more or less aroused. If you tend to be more sensory seeking, this could look like having music in the background, mixing up sexual activities more often, or preferring firmer types of touch. If you tend to be more sensory avoiding, this could look like using low lighting, starting touch more slowly, using noise-canceling headphones, forms of sensory deprivation play, or needing to stop more suddenly.

Alongside this, having difficulties with task-switching and attention is a common concern across different types of neurodivergence.

This can get in the way of sex because you might struggle getting ‘into the mood’ with a partner, you might want to move through sex at a pace that is slower or faster than your partner, or you might fixate on sex for a period of time and then forget it exists for weeks.

Being distracted is not the same as being disinterested.

There are endless things that can be done when we involve mindfulness, meditation and grounding techniques, and these can all be very useful, but an important starting point is getting curious about the context, and again, the sensory stimulation that works for you. Maybe there’s a particular time of the day, room of the house, or time of the week that works better. Maybe there are particular kinds of touch, textures, areas of the body or words from a partner that support your focus on desire. Take inventory of what supports your sexual focus and what doesn’t, and create systems accordingly.

As a society, we struggle significantly when it comes to communicating about sex.

Very few of us are equipped and able to communicate our sexual needs, wants and everything in-between. Factor in everything I’ve already mentioned about neurodivergence and sex, and then add being potentially coupled with a neurotypical sexual partner, it can make sexual communication as well as sex very difficult if not handled with intentionality and care.

This could look like not receiving clear, practical cues when a partner wants to start or stop sex, how we give and receive feedback, not retaining feedback, or struggling to talk about sex in general with a partner. The swift pace at which things can get miscommunicated and messy during sex across neuro identities makes it especially important for us to explore and learn about our individual sexual wants and needs, because if you don’t know what’s going on when you’re over- or under-stimulated, these miscommunications can become more repetitive, engrained and even traumatic.

The Practical Stuff

When it comes to sex, regardless of neurotype, ability, gender and size, there will always be a big emphasis on learning your wants and needs.

For many neurodivergent folks, there is also this dual process of having to unlearn masked-sex and learn unmasked-sex.

Masking refers to hiding or suppressing certain traits or behaviours in order to fit in. In sex, this could look like forcing eye contact, doing things you don’t want to do, or suppressing your discomfort or over-stimulation. This in itself can create an aversion to sex and not wanting to engage with it.

Learning to unmask sexually can open the door to sexual experiences that are more fulfilling and downright pleasurable.

If you are wanting to explore sex in this way, a starting point is learning to listen to your body and what it tells you during sex, and then following what feels good.

Does it feel tense when they touch you like that?

Does it feel warm and fuzzy?

Does it hurt?

It might be difficult to figure this all out in real time, so exploring solo and having conversations with partners before sex can help ease this load. Create a safe word, sound or gesture that can signal when you want to pause or stop completely. Help your partner understand what to look out for during sex, such as freezing or when you look disconnected, and how they can support in looping you back in.

Reframe what “getting in the mood” looks like for you.

Your version of getting in the mood might not be lighting candles and putting on sexy lingerie, and instead it might be cleaning your room, avoiding certain foods, or doing grounding activities together.

Build rituals that support you and your partners’ needs in the lead-up to sex, during sex, as well as afterwards.

Before sex, this might be scheduling in longer sexy time so that you can start slow and fully task-switch, having a conversation about what’s on the sexual menu, or doing breathing exercises together.

During sex, this might be dirty talk to help focus, check-ins, taking turns in sexual activities, or leaning on familiar sensory cues including familiar sheets, playlists or underwear.

After sex, this might be more in the realm of after-care, including showers, eating, or discussing what went well.

These intentional practices and rituals can help ease the mental and sensory loads, and allow you to show up more fully sexually and connect better with your partners.

In having these important and much needed conversations about sex, we create relationships where we can honour and celebrate our differences instead of pushing ourselves or each other to fix inside neat little boxes.

When we own our needs and wants, it gives our partners permission to do the same and that’s what can make us attentive and encouraging lovers. In learning our own bodies and our partners’ bodies in such depth, we find the recipe for great sex.