Context For Your Sensual Self
Creating Context For Your Sensual Self
By Taylor Neal
Context is one of the main topics that comes up in sex and relationship therapy, but what the heck does it mean and how to we use it to support our sex lives, and our desire, both solo and within our relationships?
Context is a concept largely attributed to the work of sex educator and author, Emily Nagoski, which refers to the belief that how we show up to sex, and the environment in which we show up to sex, largely impacts our desire for, and enjoyment of, the sex we’re having, where and when we’re having it.
In her 2015 book Come As Your Are, Nagoski says:
Context is made of two things: the circumstances of the present moment - whom you’re with, where you are, whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky or safe, etc. - and your brain state in the present moment - whether you’re relaxed or stressed, trusting or not, loving or not, right now, in this moment.
Essentially, context simply refers to what’s going on in the moment, and how exactly we’ve shown up to the moment, and how that impacts our experience of the moment as well as our desire to experience that moment or that thing again.
Understanding Context
Unsurprisingly, it has been found that the contextual factors that contribute to our experience of sex largely impact both how we see sex in general, as well as how we see ourselves, when it comes to sexuality.
Right context then, meaning the context that fuels one’s desire for sex, or for feeling sensual or sexual, is unique to each individual, so it is crucial that we understand our own context and ways of accessing sensuality, sexuality, and desire, if we are to access more of an understanding of our own sexuality and pleasure.
As Emily Nagoski demonstrates with the examples of tickling or butt-smacking, the same actions in different contexts evoke very different responses from the recipient, depending entirely on the context in which they are performed.
The example of ticking Nagoski uses: if you’re in the shop or perhaps driving on the freeway, someone tickling you or smacking you is just plain annoying, bordering on aggravating or creepy. If you’re in the bedroom however, feeling relaxed and already a little aroused, being tickled or smacked by your partner might feel playful and silly, and further your connection. Same action, different context, entirely different bodily response.
In relation to our own sexuality then, creating context for our sexual selves to feel at ease and able to access our pleasure relies heavily on creating the right context, so that self touch, or perhaps the touch of a partner, feels less like a chore, a nuisance or a threat, and more like a source of pleasure.
Reflection
To understand context, let’s take a moment to do some self-reflection.
If you close your eyes and think about a time when you felt either the most sexy or most aroused, what comes up?
Perhaps you’re alone in your bathroom after a shower, or walking home from the gym, or drinking wine with a lover by candle-light in the evening. Maybe you’re in bed in the morning with the sunlight coming through the window, at the beach or in nature, or maybe you’re in a hotel room.
Whatever comes up for you when you lean your head back, close your eyes and consider which moments are the ones where you’ve felt most sexy, most turned-on, or most sensual and connected to your body, will help you get more familiar to your context. So whatever came up for you, hold onto that image.
Now, let’s get a little more clear on whatever this image might be.
Consider a. five senses as you hold this image of yourself feeling sexy and/or aroused:
What can you see in the scenario? What’s around you, what’s the lighting like, what is your environment? Are you inside or outside? Are there other people there with you? Plant life? Animal life? What colours are most present?
What can you hear? Is there music, or birds chirping, or complete silence? Can you hear the distant chatter of a social gathering or maybe the noise of cars on the street? Is the space soft and peaceful, or noisy and bustling?
Are there any smells that come to mind in association with this place? Perhaps the perfume or scent of the person(s) you’re with, or the smell of fresh grass or the sweaty-sticky aroma of a dance floor?
Can you taste anything? Really think about this one. Had you just eaten a favourite meal, or perhaps some chocolate or tea? Can you taste their saliva or the saltiness of their skin?
What are you touching, if anything? Can you recall the sensation of what you were wearing against your skin, or your own hands or water running down your arms and legs? Can you feel the person you were with pressed up against you, their hand on your face, or perhaps the surface below you? What sensations can you recall through touch?
Taking some time to consider all factors of the experience that comes to mind when you ask yourself when and how you feel most sexy/turned on, can help us get super clear on contexts in the past that have been hits for us, when there was just something about whatever was happening that worked for us, and we can sink in so deeply that we remember certain sensations so vividly it’s like they happened yesterday.
Now, I’ll invite you to remain with this image you’ve conjured to mind of your sexy self, or your sexy encounter, and I’ll suggest you consider what was happening in your life prior to this scenario. Maybe you can answer just one, or perhaps several, of the following:
Can you remember how you felt going into that moment?
What happened to you that day?
What major things were going on in your life at that time?
Did you feel safe?
Did you feel rushed?
Did you feel supported?
Were you carrying any particular stress?
If you were with someone, how well did you know this person? Who were/are they to you?
If you were alone, how did it feel to be alone in that moment?
How were you celebrating yourself?
Did you feel loved?
Has this happened once, or multiple times?
Any and all answers to any of these questions will help us get clearer on how we’ve accessed our sexual self in the past, and will give us some insight into what types of environments, partners, or states of being, allow us to connect to our bodies and our pleasure, in a way that feels natural, authentic, and safe.
There is no right or wrong, or “most sexy” context, there is only the context that works for you.
One person’s most sexy memories might not even arouse the next person, and you actually might be quite surprised by your own context when you take that moment to reflect on the times when you’ve felt most sexy. Surprisingly, it’s not always the dimly lit, smouldering, wildly “commercial” sexy spaces with sexy clothes and lots of preparation that always comes up when we do a little reflection, often it’s actually the more mundane times we recall - in the shower, or in a cozy robe, or maybe just a Sunday morning when you had no where to be.
Sexy context is all about the felt experience of the moment, not about the categorically “sexy” stimuli of the environment as seen by culture at large- whatever your sexy stimuli might be is what creates your unique context.
Context and Sex
Whether in relation to solo or partnered sex, context is key in ensuring maximum pleasure, and since context is unique to each individual, it can be absolutely game changing to take some time to consider context prior to engaging in sex.
When it comes to solo sex, considering context can look like spending 5 extra minutes creating intentional space for yourself before getting into self-touch. Some examples of this are:
Lathering yourself in body oil
Lighting a candle
Locking your bedroom door
Playing some music
Adjusting the lighting
Turning off your phone
Watching/listening to/reading porn
Sexting with a lover
Drinking some tea/something warm
Having a shower/bath
Wearing something sexy
Taking sexy selfies
Doing breathwork or meditation
When it comes to partnered sex then, the considerations are very similar. The major difference here is the communication bit; asking your partner what things help them get into the mood, and sharing what your context looks like.
For partnered sex, many of the above factors for preparation can be very useful, but we can also approach context from an interpersonal foundation here, considering more about how we feel in one another’s presence and how we can support one another in relaxing into the experience and feeling safe and secure in our bodies.
Some things to consider for interpersonal/partnered context can include:
Considering environmental factors (as above) and designing space that feels good for all people involved
Asking what they need right now/what would feel soothing
Spending some time cuddling/holding one another to attune bodies
Sharing a meal
Having a dance party before sex
Watching/listening to/reading porn together
Playing a game (cards, charades, dice, etc) to feel into play before sex
Wrestling
Strip-tease
Being intentional about the time of day
Being aware of privacy boundaries
Being aware of their preferred style of foreplay/initiation
Massage or sensual touch
Check-ins along the way
Regardless of whether you’re solo or with a partner or partners, it’s important to consider the impact of the 5 W’s (who, what, where, when, why) when it comes to sex and pleasure.
Just like when we opt not to wear sweatpants to a wedding or business meeting, our bodies are a lot more attuned to the context in which they show up than we give them credit for. If things aren’t feeling sexy for us, even if we think they should feel sexy or we should be turned on, odds are our bodies aren’t going to respond in a sexy way.
This holds true outside of sex as well, in how we see ourselves as sexual beings. Spending more time in contexts that turn us on can support us in uncovering more of our sensual selves in general, which can then bring about more body confidence, as well as desire in the bedroom.
For more information on building desire in relationships, stay tuned for our next article.