Co-Creating Contexts for Pleasure and Desire - Sexual Interest is a Couples Responsibility
Co-Creating Contexts for Pleasure and Desire - Sexual Interest is a Couples Responsibility
By Christine Rafe
Are you in a relationship where desire discrepancy, or a difference in sexual interest between you and your partner, might be present?
Do you feel like you’ve been going around in circles in the conversations (or arguments) you’re having about expectations for intimacy and sex?
Regardless of whether you’re the higher or lower libido partner, this post is for you, so read on, because you’re absolutely not alone. Be prepared to feel challenged, but know that feeling challenged means growth and change is possible!!
And, if you don’t hate my guts by the end of this post and resist everything I’m about to share with you, then you DEFINITELY have the capacity to shift from sexual frustration back to curiosity and play,with a bit of problem solving and better communication skills thrown in.
Co-Creating Context
Dear higher libido partner, it may or may not come as a surprise that coming home from work, kicking up your feet and asking ‘what’s for dinner?’, shortly followed by ‘wanna bang tonight?’ is not really setting up an atmosphere for ripping one another's clothes off.
This is because of context. This is also an extreme example of how we can be responsible for creating (or in this case, not creating) an environment, a context, that is supportive of connection, pleasure and arousal.
No offense or judgment, but regardless of whether you have a higher or lower libido than your partner, you are both equally responsible for identifying and co-creating contexts where pleasure is accessible. This is the context where desire can show up for both of you, in response to both the environmental factors and the emotional and mental states of both of you, that are contributing to the present moment.
Notice that I said co-creating contexts for pleasure, not desire, because desire for many folks may not even show up until we are already in a sensual or sexual context or experience.If we focus on centering pleasure in our relationships (whether non-sexual or sexual), we are creating an environment where we can relax, drop into our bodies in the present moment, and be open to exploration and play. When we are in a space of giving and receiving pleasure, we are in the best environment for willingness and desire for sexual intimacy.
As well as being responsible for co-creating contexts where pleasure is accessible, you are also responsible for your own personal internal and external context. If you haven’t already, you can read more about context as an individual in our recent blog post here.
This refocusing from desire to pleasure and co-creation of context in relationships comes with a big thank you to sex educator and author Emily Nagoski, whose 2024 book Come Together motivated me to dive deeper into centering pleasure and desire in relationships
How Changing Foreplay to ‘Moreplay’ Can Support Co-Creating Contexts for Pleasure and Desire
The traditional definition and understanding of foreplay, is considered any genital involved, sexual act that is not penetration, usually expected to come before penetration. This is problematic for a couple of reasons.
Firstly, it places penetration on a pedestal as the ‘main event’ of a sexual experience, assuming that this is where everyone wants to go and enjoys the most. This false narrative reflects our heteronormative and reproductively focused sex education that sees our sex drive as coasting down the same linear road of kissing, touching, oral and penetration to ejaculation and/or orgasm. This does not actually align with pleasure anatomy for vulva owners, and through my years as a Sex and Relationship Therapist, is not every penis owner's favourite sexual act either! WE’VE BEEN LIED TO!
Before I go off on too much of a tangent about our f*cked up sex education, the second reason the traditional definition of foreplay is problematic is because using this word to refer to the ‘warm up’ before the main event doesn’t consider what we know about how desire and arousal work for many folk, which is that there are many non-sexual and non-genital actions, behaviours and activities (that would not fit in the umbrella of ‘foreplay’) that can and do trigger desire and arousal.
In fact, I’d go so far as to say that almost every interaction between a couple could technically be considered an act of foreplay, which will henceforth be renamed as moreplay, as there’s always opportunity for something that supports interest, willingness, desire and full blown arousal, whether it's overtly sexual or not.
Consider “choreplay” as a prime example of this.
Choreplay has been used to explain the very real experience of a partner completing general household and life chores such as cleaning the kitchen, feeding and bathing the kids, or paying the bills, as actions that spark desire and arousal for their partner. This may seem ridiculous to you, but as a Sex Therapist who sees day in and day out the very un-sexy things that can actually support people's willingness and desire for sex, this doesn’t surprise me at all. I believe this links to the gratitude and appreciation we feel for our partner in these moments, supporting our emotional connection and feeding into desire. A partner completing chores shows their acknowledgement of the relationship as equal, as a team effort, and that they are making active and conscious efforts to lessen the physical and emotional load for their other half (without needing to be asked).
As Esther Perel so eloquently explains:
“Foreplay is the energy that runs through an entire relationship. It begins at the end of the previous orgasm* (and/or sexual experience) and it lives as an ever-present suggestion that a small look, touch, text, or banter might lead to a little more. Foreplay is a mood we live in, a way we look at ourselves, how we feel about ourselves in the presence of a lover or even just the presence of just our own reflection.”
So if we consider all of this, foreplay (or moreplay) can be defined/redefined as any word, action, behaviour or environmental consideration that encourages relaxation, connection, pleasure, and play, for anyone in the relationship.
Using this new definition, get curious with yourself and your partner about what these are for you? If everyone in the relationship takes responsibility for enacting moreplay in small moments, daily, we are then actively fostering a context where connection, pleasure and play is much more accessible, particularly for those who have a responsive desire, meaning that they needmoreplay in its various forms to access their desire and/or arousal.
If you want some additional prompt support, see this month's resource adapted from Emily Nagoski’s work on sexual accelerators and brakes.
Also, join our mailing list to be the first to know about our next workshop in the Cultivating Eros Series on co-creating pleasure, play and desire, in relationships.