Conflict and Desire for Couples: Is Conflict Friend or Foe?
Conflict and Desire for Couples: Is Conflict Friend or Foe?
By Grace Crawford-smith
**This blog will focus on conflict in relationships that are psychologically safe on the whole. This information is not relevant for abusive or unsafe relationships. It is important to seek support for abuse or family violence first.
When individuals or couples present to sex therapy with concerns about their desire, I become curious about the role of conflict in the relationship. Is it high, low, medium? Does conflict lead to greater closeness, are there tools or resources in place, or is it completely unmanaged?
When Conflict Kills Desire
To put it simply, conflict creates stress.
Stress tends to reduce desire and sexual arousal in general, as our nervous systems shift from a safe and connected state into a state of escalation (fight, flight, fawn or freeze). When we are in a state of stress, blood flow rushes to our arms and legs to prepare us to fight or flee, moving away from our genitals and sexual organs. This is often why folks struggle with sexual function (erections, self-lubrication or tension/pain in the vaginal canal) when major stress is an ongoing factor in their lives.
Acute stress rises and falls, and this is totally healthy and normal. Learning the art of repair, however, can help couples co-regulate their nervous systems and return to safety and connection after stress arises, making conflict less scary and the relationship stronger in the long term.
If the stress caused by conflict is more ongoing and chronic, this is an extremely common sexual brake (i.e. something that triggers our brain’s sexual inhibition response, preventing arousal and pleasure pathways). Chronic stress from conflict is more of a concern when it comes to desire in relationships in the long term.
Resentment in particular, is a killer for desire.
Resentment can be thought of as unexpressed anger which builds over time. Resentment tends to decrease our desire for intimacy and eroticism with another. Resentment can be extremely difficult to navigate when it’s been present over long periods of time, however when couples manage conflict better, resentment can be greatly reduced and often even prevented.
Communication and the art of repair can prevent the development of chronic stress and/or resentment stemming from conflict. The good news is, learning the skills to voice feelings, needs, desires, and expectations, can both improve the health of your relationship as well as your desire for intimacy and sex.
If you’re finding that you’re unable to get through to your partner (or vice versa), or conversations spiral into unmanageable conflict, this may be a good time to seek professional help with a therapist. If the conflict is based around sex and intimacy, such as discrepancy in desire levels, this is also a good time to seek professional help from a sex therapist.
When Conflict is a Turn On
Anxiety, stress, anger, and other “unpleasant” emotions can also be a turn on!
Overcoming ambivalence can add erotic charge to certain experiences. If you are interested in this concept, I recommend you read our blog on the four cornerstones of eroticism.
Sometimes, conflict can activate a fear of losing one’s partner. The thought of loss can make people see their partner in a more separate, individuated light. This may occur subconsciously or consciously. Separation and individuation are important erotic ingredients, which may spark sexual feelings from conflict. Ester Perel talks about the need for both separation and conflict in her 2006 book, Mating in Captivity.
Conflict can activate our attachment system.
For some, this may increase their desire for closeness, which may be experienced as a desire for sex. Sex is often a form of repair for some couples. For others, conflict may increase their urge to pull away or seek distance as a means of regulating their attachment system. It’s very common to have different attachment impacts on different partners in any given relationship.
There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to conflict and desire. What may be arousing in one conflict may be utterly off putting in the next. Try not to judge the impact conflict has on your desire. Instead, bring curiosity to this experience, and share your insights with your partner. Often, if we can name it, we can tame it.
How Do We Manage Conflict?
If conflict is impacting your desire, it’s important to learn how to better manage conflict in the moment, with your partner(s).
Stan Tatkin recommends the following strategies to promote safety in the body and brain while addressing conflict:
Don’t hold the stress for too long - speak up sooner rather than later
Discharge stress through clear communication, eye contact and touch (if possible)
Touch toes, or any body part, after an argument (this reduces our brain and body’s defences)
I recommend clients know where they’re positioned on the relational stance grid by couples therapist Terry Real. Knowing your position can help guide you towards how to mindfully move through conflict:
Do you need to move up from shame? Or move down from grandiosity?
Do you need to move towards your partner? Do you need to move away?
The Feedback Wheel is a tangible tool to help partners stay connected and relational during conflict. This tool aims to help partners get what they want from a wise, grounded standpoint.
The Feedback Wheel:
This is what I recall happening (stick to the facts)
This is the story I make it mean (own that you are creating a story - we all do this)
This is how I felt (lead with the emotion you tend to express the least)
This would help me feel better (give your partner the winning strategy that will help you both move into repair)
General pointers for managing conflict and communication are:
Tapping into a “we” consciousness. This means moving away from “me vs. you”, “I’m right, you’re wrong”. When you are in a relationship with another, if one loses, you both lose. You are connected in a relationship ecosystem.
Frame complaints as requests. Most people hate the feeling of being criticised or attacked, as this tends to elicit defensiveness, which can lead to more conflict. Most people love the feeling of helping another person out. Under every complaint, there is a request, a longing, a desire. Tap into this longing or desire under your complaint when you bring this to your partner, and notice the shift in energy.
Sex is emotional, vulnerable, connecting and embodied. It’s not surprising we are not always in the mood to be this close and intimate with someone when there is unexpressed hurt, unmanaged conflict and stored up emotions.
And at the same time, conflict is okay!
Conflict and repair is a process that should be celebrated. A conflict-free relationship tends to mean avoidance is present, or someone isn't speaking up.
Learning to manage conflict better can lead to greater connection, more emotional intimacy, more play, more fun, and a greater desire to step into a sexual place with someone.
We are all flawed humans who need help learning to be with other humans.
It’s okay if you need a hand in learning how to do this.