Let’s Talk About Sex
Let’s Talk About Sex
written by Selina nguyen
Talking about sex in ways that are judgment-free, explorative and encouraging are skills that very few of us are ever taught.
For many of us, we’re a lot more comfortable having sex than we are actually talking about it, even if we’ve had the same sexual partner for years, or even decades. We see this time and again at Good Vibes Clinic. Whether it is hesitancy around what a partner might say, or not knowing what we want to say ourselves, it can feel awkward or vulnerable to put these more sticky feelings and experiences into words, and even more so if there are existing difficulties with sex.
While we might be able to dodge some of the discomfort by avoiding these conversations, avoiding communicating about sex in our relationships can come at a cost. Though we may get to avoid feeling uncomfortable, we often find ourselves putting up with unsatisfying sexual experiences due to lack of communication, and this can negatively impact our romantic and/or sexual relationships in the long-term by breeding resentment, miscommunication, and distrust.
Long-Term Benefits
Research has repeatedly shown that couples that talk more about sex tend to have better sexual satisfaction as well as better sexual function (https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2019.1568375).
This is as a result of being able to communicate our wants and needs, assert our limits, and allow our sexual partners to do the same. We can make suggestions, we can give feedback, and we can dream up new experiences together. In learning to have these important conversations about sex, it gives us permission to explore our bodies and our sexualities together.
Regardless of being casual or committed, being able to talk openly with partners about sex is the foundation of great sex, and the best part is that it’s never too late to learn.
How Do I Actually Do It?
Third Objects
Delving into sex-positive content like podcasts, tv shows, or books, is an incredibly common and useful way for folks to get comfortable hearing and talking about sex. It’s also great in providing a Third Object that folks can introduce into conversations with their partners. For example, “hey I was listening to this podcast and they were talking about…”. The concept of the Third Object works by introducing a topic without the initial focus being on yourself or your partner, and instead on this third object.
Similarly, conversation card decks are also a playful and lighthearted way to open up these conversations and to start thinking more deeply about sex. We’re Not Really Strangers has a great range of card decks for couples as well as an XXX edition, which can be a fun and creative way to introduce these topics into a date night. Introducing these Third Objects are a quick and easy way to break the ice and take the pressure off yourself initiating the conversation.
Rip the Bandaid
For others who may prefer to rip off the bandaid, it can truly be as simple as “I’m curious how you feel about our sex life? Can we chat about it?” or “I’d love to try this with you. What do you think?”
Acknowledge that it might feel awkward at first or at least the first few times, but remind yourself that all new skills are clunky at first and these conversations are important. Lean into this as an opportunity to bond over the clunkiness and awkwardness. See where it takes you!
When going this route, or any route for that matter, be intentional with your timing.
We always encourage folks to start the conversation in a low-stakes setting and preferably outside of the bedroom or sexual experience. This might look like planning to have the conversation over dinner or while going for a walk. Pick a time where everyone involved has the time and capacity to dive into the conversation and be engaged in it. It can also be very helpful to give notice; “I’d really like to spend some time discussing sex tomorrow evening, could we plan to go for a walk and chat about this?”
What Do I Talk About?
It’s one thing to initiate the conversation, and it’s a whole other thing to know what you want to say.
It can be really useful to have an intention or an idea about what you want to get out of these conversations as well as what you want out of your sexual experiences. This can look like discussing sexual health and STI status, exploring fantasies, or learning our limits or boundaries.
Very few of these chats are a one-and-done situation, your sex talk may very well require ongoing and multiple conversations, even with the same sexual partner. A good sexual partner is one that welcomes these conversations and recognises that sex, sexuality, and desire, are fluid and ever-changing, so our conversations need to also mirror that.
As a result of this, some couples find it easier to schedule these as relationship check-ins. In doing so, there is a guaranteed time allotted to prioritize sex and intimacy. Without this intentionality, it can be very easy for these conversations to quickly fall off the table and down the list of our day-to-day priorities.
Any Last Tips?
Go slow and lead with pleasure, curiosity and non-judgement.
This might look like asking curious questions, planning another check-in next month, or being excited to learn about each other’s fantasies. It doesn’t have to be serious or clinical. Remember that pleasure is the point and no one gets there by only focusing on the negatives or yucking each other’s yum.
If you’re still struggling with these important conversations about sex, Good Vibes Clinic is here to support you and your sex life. Book in a free 10-min intro call or book in with one of our experienced practitioners to go deeper and develop tools for sexual communication.
We’ve also developed a free resource for How To Have A Sex Check-in to help you. Check it out!
Better sex is always one conversation away.