The 4 Cornerstones of Eroticism: A Closer Look at Your Erotic Mind
The 4 Cornerstones of Eroticism: A Closer Look at Your Erotic Mind
Written by Grace Crawford-Smith
“Sexual attraction is one of life’s great mysteries” - Jack Morin PhD, The Erotic Mind
In his widely referenced 1995 book The Erotic Mind,Jack Morin PhD delves into the peak sexual experiences of hundreds of people to reveal some common themes and consistent patterns in his efforts to demystify eroticism.
Human’s eroticism and attraction is mysterious. There are often elements of contradiction, challenge, and ambivalence that must be overcome in order to create intense eroticism.
To begin understanding where eroticism lays, Morin opens his findings in the book by introducing his Erotic Equation:
attraction + obstacles = excitement
Morin then created the Sexual Excitement Survey (SES) to conduct plentiful research on which to base this body of work. Participants’ Peak Erotic Experiences were described in detail and analysed. Four main themes emerged - these became the Four Cornerstones Of Eroticism.
Morin explains that pleasurable erotic and/or sexual experiences may not always include one or more of these themes, however they seem to add erotic charge and enhanced excitation. The following four cornerstones can be thought of as existential sources of arousal: longing and anticipation, violating prohibitions, searching for power, and overcoming ambivalence.
Longing and Anticipation
Longing and anticipation focuses on wanting and wanting more; more attention, more closeness, more intimacy. This cornerstone is often rich with fantasy. Daydreaming and fantasising is something humans do naturally from a very young age.
Peak experiences with longing and anticipation often include:
lovers spending time apart
looking forward to opportunities to be together
focusing on the desirable traits and qualities with little focus on any negative ones
Longing and anticipation often coexists with great uncertainty, trials and tribulations (thinkThe Notebook, romance novels, forbidden love).
As the desired object approaches, or time together draws near, the sense of longing may transition to a sense of anticipation. “Not long now! I can almost see that person. I can almost hear their voice, smell their scent.”
Longing is associated with romance and crushes. Anticipation is involved in lust and limerence, which may or may not involve romantic feelings.
The demise of longing as partners move in together or become increasingly familiar with each other, can impact eroticism in relationships, and the sex lives of relationships, over time. Ester Perel is very articulate in exploring this balance in her book, Mating in Captivity.
Violating Prohibitions
Society places limits on sexual behaviour, and we tend to internalise some of the restrictions and rules we are exposed to.
People who grow up in particularly sexually restrictive environments are often more likely to feel the urge to break rules and secretly search for sexual information, visuals or turn ons (e.g. sexual words in the dictionary). Naughtiness, dirtiness and even guilt are often associated with this secretive behaviour.
These sensations of naughtiness, dirtiness, guilt and/or shame, can add a charge to eroticism later in life. Breaking rules tends to increase excitement.
Fear and excitement overlap a great deal, and to the body they can often feel the same. Many people in Morin’s research reported the naughtiness factor in their peak erotic experiences.
Some examples of this cornerstone might be:
high-stakes situations
having sex in a public place
touching parts of bodies that we were taught are “private” or “dirty”
Forbidden fruit in the form of inappropriate choices for partners or relationships also tends to be stimulating to the erotic mind. For example, your boss, your subordinate, someone much older or younger, someone your friends or family may “disapprove” of. Real or imagined danger tends to enhance the erotic charge when this cornerstone is present.
Searching for Power
Children are born completely dependent and undifferentiated from their caregivers.
As we grow, searching for power in the otherwise powerless position of childhood forms an important part of our development. Power, dominance, submission and struggle are often dynamics enacted in erotic play. BDSM and kink communities understand this well. Kink and role play with power dynamics are clear examples of this cornerstone in action, however this theme may show up in more subtle ways.
Crushes on teachers, age gaps between lovers, and “getting in trouble” are all examples of the way our erotic minds seem to seek out the exploration of power.
For some, a memory of a time they first felt very powerful as a child may form a fettish or kink in their adult life (for example, when I wore my fireman costume, I felt like I was strong, in control and powerful). Certain sexual acts can demonstrate the assertion or submission of power, as well as the dynamics often explored through role play. Importantly, both dominant and submissive lovers are enacting power and control. Submission in itself is an act of power.
Overcoming Ambivalence
This cornerstone can be a little less obvious at first.
Overcoming ambivalence describes the erotic charge that can come from holding contradictory feelings such as liking and not liking, wanting and not wanting, attraction and repulsion, love and annoyance, care and aggression. Often, this ambivalence provides the backdrop from which an erotic experience emerges from.
For example, being both attracted yet somewhat repulsed by someone can be overcome in a moment of complete eroticism. Another example is feeling completely bored when a surprisingly erotic moment emerges. The contrast in these feelings can make an experience memorable, and even peak. However, these experiences can also leave us somewhat confused. Again, this is eroticism; it's complex, mysterious, and often contradictory.
Rom-coms seem to often fixate on the coming together of lovers who initially hate each other, which fits into the Overcoming Ambivalence cornerstone perfectly. I’m not saying romantic comedies are generally educational, however this is a great example of the erotic implications a mix of emotions can bring, and how a sense of hate can turn into attraction, love and even tenderness. Us humans are complex!
Allowing space for a whole range of emotions can set us free and help us be less judgemental towards our own desires.
Discovering the cornerstones in your erotic life:
If you are curious which themes spark excitement in your erotic mind, the following exercise can provide great insight.
My Peak Experiences Exercise
Reflect on two peak experiences - these may be the ones you reminisce about when trying to turn yourself on during solo play if you are struggling to get in the mood. Write about these experiences in as much detail as you can provide. See if you can identify any or all of the four cornerstones at play. This exercise can increase awareness and can give us clues to finding our desire and excitement. It can also point out unknown territory and encourage us to lean into new cornerstones.
Expanding our erotic selves involves leaning into our edges. Think of a 5 out of 10 level of edginess, where you’re not overwhelmed or feeling unsafe, even if it feels unfamiliar and slightly outside your comfort zone. This is where great erotic learning takes place!
When it comes to eroticism, the key challenge is to embrace the paradox.
Have you ever noticed something you may love in the bedroom completely goes against your values or personality in everyday life? Are you in charge at work or as a parent and crave complete submission during sexual play? This is eroticism!
Our erotic excitement often completely contradicts our social selves. We can safely lean into parts of ourselves in erotic play that we generally push down or reject. This is normal, natural, and completely okay. If everyone is safe, consenting and experiencing pleasure, don’t judge your erotic play through the lens of your everyday social or political values.
If you’re interested in learning more about your own erotic mind, I’ve created a resource with exercises to explore each four of the cornerstones. If you are interested in experimenting with what you’ve learned in this blog, be sure to check it out here!
These exercises will include solo & partnered options to help you learn about yourself and partner(s).
If you’re curious about going deeper and learning more about your eroticism, book in with one of our practitioners to be guided in exploring your unique body and mind.