Why Pleasure Matters More Than Numbers: How to Have More Sexual Pleasure This Year
By Christine Rafe
As a Sex Therapist, the most common concern amongst individuals and couples I see is the experience of low desire/low libido or clients feeling they have “no sex drive.”
Whatever language you use to describe it, so many of us are concerned about our desire/libido not being high enough, and honestly, most of us feel like we’re “not normal” when comparing how much sex we’re having to how much sex we think everyone else is having.
The difficulty with this idea of what’s normal when it comes to how much sex we’re wanting and then actually having, is that desire isn’t a constant state.
Desire is fluid and affected by mood, stress, environmental and relational factors, as well as the quality of your previous sexual experiences. We don’t commonly desire things that have been mostly unenjoyable or unexciting in the past, so if we’re not having sex that is pleasureable, it makes complete sense why our desire might be lower than we think it should be. Sexual pleasure is the enticing part of sex that reinforces desire, so if your sex life feels routine, unfulfilling, or disconnected, it’s no wonder desire dwindles.
The key to feeling more satisfied with how our desire shows up then, is to reorient our focus away from how often we’re having sex and back toward how much pleasure we’re experiencing when we do.
Increasing Pleasure to Increase Desire
If you’ve ever struggled with low desire, you’re not alone.
It’s an extremely common experience, and the world is filled with advice on how to “fix” it. But what if we’re asking the wrong question?
Instead of focusing on how to increase desire, consider this: how can you make the experience of sex or intimacy itself more pleasurable? This year, let’s shift our mindset and make pleasure the focal point of our intimate lives.
The most actionable and impactful thing you can do to increase desire is to reorient the focus to increasing sexual pleasure. Sex that is not pleasurable (and for some may even be painful) is not desirable, and enduring sex when it is not enjoyable for you is only going to lower your interest in sex even further.
On the flip-side, sex that is pleasurable and fulfilling to you is going to motivate you to want more of it, in turn increasing your desire for pleasurable sex.
Pleasure is about being present, tuning into your senses, and finding joy in the moment. It’s about building anticipation, exploring connection, and embracing curiosity. When pleasure becomes the focus, the pressure to feel desire fades, creating space for it to naturally re-emerge.
Pleasure Habits to Adopt this Year
Now that I’ve given you my argument to orient your focus from desire to pleasure, even if you’re convinced, you’re probably thinking “great, so how the hell do I do it?”
I’m going to provide you some actionable options on how you can increase your pleasure generally, and how this relates to sexual pleasure and intimacy.
Here are some strategies to consider:
Slow Down and Be Present
The response given time and time again by sex experts when they’re asked what their number one sex tip is, is to slow the f*ck down (maybe not using my harsh language but you get what I mean).
Slowing the f*ck down is absolutely necessary to emphasise in any pleasure-related conversation because it is essential for cultivating safety, grounding, joy, connection, erection, orgasm and literally any other element of sexual intimacy you can think of. Rushed experiences rarely leave room for true enjoyment.
This year, make it a goal to slow down and savor the moment through practicing relaxation, mindfulness and self-care. Whether it’s during an intimate encounter or a simple daily ritual like sipping coffee, focus on the sensations and allow yourself to be fully present, and you’ll surprise yourself at how much this transforms your individual well-being, happiness, and capacity for pleasure.
Start incorporating slowing down into non-sexual activities too, as a way of practicing and strengthening the neural pathways in your brain that tell you it’s okay (and can be celebrated) to slow down. If you start doing this outside of sex, you adopt a more present way of being in general, which you’re then able to carry into sex.
Learn About Your Personal Pleasure
It’s important for you to understand what feels good for you, so you can explain to a sexual partner what you want and need to increase sexual pleasure during partnered experiences.
Self touch, intentional time with yourself focused on your pleasure, and masturbation, are all essential parts of getting to know your sexual self, your body, and how you experience pleasure. Without this connection to ourselves, we’re kind of shooting in the dark when we’re trying to find pleasure during partnered sex. We have to understand our own bodies before we can truly connect with someone else sexually.
Check out our free resources for this month, the 4-week Pleasure Protocol and Mindful Masturbation for further guidance.
Embrace Open Communication
Talk with your partner about what feels good, and what doesn’t. Exploring each other’s preferences fosters deeper connection and intimacy, and supports experiences that are more specific to your unique sexual pleasure for both of you.
Set aside time for these conversations in a relaxed, non-judgmental way. Check out this guide for talking about sex if you’re unsure how to discuss sexual pleasure with your partner or partners.
Experiment with Novelty
Routine can dull the senses, and as much as humans need routine and structure in parts of our life, sexual pleasure can be a space of exploration, openness and personal growth. This year, challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone.
Try something new, whether it’s a different setting, timing, or activity. Novelty can reignite curiosity and anticipation, making each experience feel fresh and exciting.
This doesn’t mean that every time you have sex it needs to be completely different, but every now and then be intentional about trying something different.
Curate Your Environment
Pleasure isn’t just physical, it’s mental and emotional too.
Creating an environment that fosters relaxation and happiness for you can only add more joy, comfort, and a felt sense of safety to your sexual experiences. This might mean decluttering your bedroom, investing in soft lighting, or incorporating soothing scents into your space.
A welcoming atmosphere sets the stage for deeper intimacy and minimises external distractions or barriers to your ability to unwind and sink into your body.
Focus on Sensuality, Not Performance
Shifting the focus from any outcome or goal, to the journey of the experience itself, can reduce anxiety and make the experience more enjoyable.
Explore touch, closeness, and connection without any pressure. Pleasure is about the sensations, emotions, and presence, not about achieving a specific goal such as an orgasm, an erection, or some other end result we might enter into sex seeking.
If you notice yourself focusing on performance or a specific outcome, come back to pleasure in that moment, and consider “what could make this feel even better for me right now?”
Prioritize Self-Care and Well-Being
Your overall well-being plays a significant role in your capacity for pleasure. This year, prioritize activities that rejuvenate your body and mind.
Moving your body, eating nourishing foods, practicing mindfulness, and getting enough sleep and time for relaxation all contribute to a heightened ability to enjoy life’s pleasures and our willingness for, and interest in, sexual intimacy.
A Somatic Exercise to Practice More Pleasure
To help you embody pleasure and make it a regular part of your life, you might want to try this somatic practice.
See also our Somatic Exercises to Explore Pleasure and our 4-Week Pleasure Program for more practical tools to support connecting with your pleasure.
The Pleasure Body Scan
Find a Quiet Space: Sit or lie down in a comfortable position where you won’t be disturbed.
Start with Breath Awareness: Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Inhale deeply through your nose, letting your belly rise, and exhale slowly through your mouth. Feel your body settle and relax with each breath.
Scan Your Body: Bring your attention to different parts of your body, starting at your feet and working your way up to your head. As you focus on each area, notice any sensations: tingling, warmth, tension, or relaxation.
Invite Pleasure: When you find a part of your body that feels good, no matter how small the sensation, focus on it. Imagine that feeling expanding and radiating throughout your body. If you notice areas of tension, send your breath there and invite relaxation.
Use Touch: If you’re comfortable, gently place your hands on areas of your body that feel pleasant or neutral. This could be your heart, your stomach, your arm, or your genitals. Notice how touch enhances the sensations of comfort and pleasure.
End with Gratitude: Once you’ve completed the scan, take a moment to appreciate your body and the sensations it allows you to feel. Open your eyes and carry this sense of pleasure with you into your day.
Practicing this exercise regularly can help you become more attuned to your body and the subtle ways it experiences pleasure, creating a foundation for deeper desire.
The Ripple Effect of Pleasure
When pleasure becomes the focus, desire often follows.
Each positive experience reinforces the idea that intimacy and connection are worth looking forward to. Over time, this creates a cycle where desire grows naturally rather, not out of obligation or expectation, but because it feels good.
So, if low desire is weighing on you, try reframing your approach.
Instead of asking, “How can I want this more?” ask, “How can I enjoy this more?”
This year, let’s commit to cultivating a life rich in pleasure, one that fuels desire and deepens connections in the most fulfilling ways.
Here’s to a year of savoring every moment and making pleasure the priority it deserves to be!